Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
