She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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