why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
