Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
