Will you blow on my dice?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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