and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
