And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You're like the curious george of whores
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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