You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
