if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
