God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
