sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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