just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Did I show you my penis last night?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
