I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
