Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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