I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
