you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
