Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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