she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
