On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
