And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
