I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
You smell like stripper and shame
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
