Old men and throwing up are my life now.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
