Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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