today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If I die, sorry about rent.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
