I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
