guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
