I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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