I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You have to summon your inner elephant
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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