you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
