im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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