dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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