Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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