you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
