I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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