someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
