dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
