Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
