guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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