I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
