nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
