No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
