I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
