How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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