dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
