Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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