i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
