Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
