Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
