Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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