Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
