I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
