Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
