i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
third nipple confirmed
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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