If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
