You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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