you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
