Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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