New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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