How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
